Taking responsibility for my emotions is not easy. Taking responsibility means I have had to face the truth about the wrongs that I had committed against others or people I has supposedly told I loved. To accept the uglier side of me that shocks me to my core. It also means I am directly responsible for my actions and reactions. It means exercising self-restraint, self- control and redefining what self-love really means to me. I also learnt that I am in four; my physical body, my mental body my emotional body and my spirtual body.
Excusing my reactions away is playing the blame game with my mind. And this is dangerous. Each part of me affects the others to some extent if not greatly.
I am a professional at “walking on egg-shells” or “ignoring the white elephant in the room”, calling things out just isn’t for me. But at what expense? At whose expense?
My M/O was to bear it all and join the wave when others pointed the issues out. I was afraid to say, “hey, I’m hurting, I’m not comfortable with this and simply walk away or work through it. I sacrificed my energy for situations that I could either avoid or deal with the very first time they emerged.
I excused or explained away critical patterns of behavior from others and myself. I got comfortable with letting others speak up about MY “discomfort”. And boy oh boy have I been surprised, hurt, shocked etc.
Never leave any aspect of your life, be it social or otherwise, in the hands of another human being. Friend or no friend. Coz y’all step into situations as a team then you hear folks being about, “Me, myself, I”. Like you get played on the LOW.
It’s true what they say about “what you allow is what will continue”. As I take a look at the things that I enable around me, specifically the negative energies, whether it’s a continuous feeling of disrespect from anyone, anxiety or stress due to collective situations and so on.
It is very normal for people who have gained from the dysfunction of a situation to not see the problem when you finally say that there is a problem. It is also very easy for the same people to say, “I will change”.
Not only I am still hurt emotionally and mentally but it has spilled over into my physical body and messed with my spiritual alignment;
FACT: When you start to spring clean your inner, there will be times when you seem like the meanest person on earth, even to yourself. When you realize that you are the only person who can be responsible for your emotional state, you may not come across as the most compassionate friend you want to seem as. One of the things I am learning to live with is believing who the person is the first time they show me. Myself included.
Therefore, the only person who can end or bring to halt unnecessary stress is me.
I choose not to lose sleep over the deliberate, calculated and habitual incompetence of another.
I choose not to involved in patterns of conversation that always leave me feeling less than.
I choose not to suppress myself or feelings to accept or please a crowd.
Growth is generally uncomfortable; it is painful because you are walking into a space you have never been in before and you worry if your crowd will stick around for the change in you. Yeah, it’s terrifying. Scary because you too are in a process and you aren’t sure how to handle things. So, you need to breathe, step back and think, then decide and vocalize what works best for you in the situation.
While you are in Taipei, look around your so-called group of friends in your mind. When the chips fall, who would you call and who would attempt to listen, help or just show love? In this city, we spend so much time “enjoying” youth that you end up in circle of people you can’t even confide in with the heaviest burdens in your life. Not all will fit into the perfect spectrum of the four parts of you but if you are in more “harmful” company then eyy….
Ask yourself if you are aware of the four parts of you or you are vaguely aware because you know of them but how are you treating all of yourself?
To grow is interesting.
Growth is painful.
Growing in you is beautiful.
Shit’s intense ATM.